crazy lazy hazy days of.... well janurary

so i havent been on in a few days. Oh well im sure my computer like the break. So Wednesday i cleaned all day and then went to see my mommas horse and the others at the barn she helps take care of. While there bear, our dog, decided to go adventuring. now keep in mind he never ever ever goes too far. well that day he decided ti go VERY far! lol so anyways when we were getting ready to leave we called for him for about ten minutes until we started to panic. then my mom took her truck and starting driving down the dirt road looking for him a little over five minutes later he comes running up to me. I was so relieved that i couldnt be mad at him. Bear is a member of our family and i would be lost if anything ever happened to him! Well anyways, then we went to my moms friends house and she had the cutest chihuahua puppies! AND brian agreed we could have one.... but our lease says no pets. there was one cream colored little girl that loved me! She crawled over to me and growled at any of the other dogs/puppies if they tried to get my attention. She whimpered when i put her down and tried to follow me out the door. I wanted to cry!!! Then yesterday my mom hosted a jewelry party! And guess what! I think i found my profession! Well until i get out of school anyway! lol Really! Its just too perfect! I can be part time or full time. And for everything i sell i get half of it. I can do it at my convenience and i NEVER have to ask for vacation time. Plus its something i could take with me when i visit any of my friends or family if they wanted to host a party while i was there! And today will be an even better day!!!!

im six feet from the edge and im thinking maybe six feet aint so far down

ok. So basically this whole wedding thing is getting harder. Anyone else go through this? Anyone? I mean im not stressing over it but it gets harder and harder not to get into fights with the people i love the most. I mean I have one saying they dont care, one trying to take over the whole thing, one making decisions for me, one telling me i need to try harder, and so on. Ugh! i cant wait for it all to just be over. I find myself thinking sometimes that its just not worth all of this crap. I mean I know it is. I just cant help to think what it might be like if i wasnt lds and could just run off and elope. i did some serious praying last night. I even posted one of my shorter prayers on facebook. I am THAT desperate for help to get through this! Its almost like i cant function properly. Then I have people continuously lying to me about EVERYTHING and that just makes it even harder. lol fiveish weeks. fiveish weeks and this will all be over! Its all unreal stil. like some days I wake up and im thinking that it will never happen that he will change his mind. Am I seriously the only girl who feels this way? lol I mean I am soooooo happy but i think everyone around me has gone insane!

I am such a sucker and im always the last to know

Ugh! I feel heartbroken and i dont know why. but my heart hurts. Is this a normal girl thing or am i crazy? What really hurts is that a friend of mine doesnt want to talk to me. Or I should say our relationship is way different than what it was a few years ago and its killing me. But thats a different pang. The scary thing is that because i have these two emotions going through me im not angry but edgy. And I want to cry. I really feel so down. And because i dont want people to take it the wrong way and because i dont know what one of these emotions are about Im scared to try to talk to anyone. Not only that but I dont want to burden anyone with my stupid emotions. I wish I could be the type of person who says 'screw it. Who cares if this person wont talk to me?' but even if I was i dont know why my heart feels broken. I need some serious prayer time. On top of that I now can not get my mouth to stop bleeding. And my mom says not to get my wisdom teeth out till after the wedding. Wow im gonna be a skinny bride. Im so at breaking point and I cant even show it because it will only stress out someone who will NOT be named way more! On a happier note my friend amber and her sister courtney helped me address invites today! So this will be going out soon! :) that makes me happy :)

Sat outside my front window. This story's going somewhere

So today i was at church right and bishop looks dead at me and mouths 'are you ok?' and I nodded. Then when the sacrament was being past I seriously hurt my mouth trying to eat BREAD! Grr! I am going to eat something solid tomorrow if it kills me! lol Anyways so I was waiting outside his office when brother blackwelder came up and I told him i needed a blessing. So after church him Brother Holladay and Bishop gave me a blessing. The funny thing? How did bishop know something was wrong with me? I did my absolute best to hide that i was in pain and it worked on everyone else but him! The only reason i even asked for a blessing is because i couldnt chew the flipping bread! How on earth does he have that intuition? All i can really say is that unless i just deal with the fatal pains of chewing I will be super skinny come march! Oh well! I wanted to loose tenish more pounds anyways. Just didnt think it would be like this :) But all in all I love my bishopric! I will truly miss them! :) They always know just when I need a smile or a hug. It makes me feel good to know that they are always there and that they do indeed love me and will truly miss me too :)

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my sister and i

I am happy to say that i can now speak about my sisters birthday! Her mom called me Wednesday and said they were throwing her a surprise party and I was part of the surprise! So i had to be hush about it :) I was afraid of what might happen but let me tell you! when she walked into the room and saw me? It was pure joy between the two of us! I ended up staying there for the night and we were up past 2 am crying and talking. I dont think I have ever felt the spirit that much in my entire life. Everything was out on the table. All fears annoyances and Cherished memories. My sister and I are unbreakable. We might have our fights but NOTHING will ever keep us mad at each other for too long. I cant believe the feeling I got when all of our walls came crashing down and the strong people we were trying to be disappeared. We really needed that night with each other and I feel like our sisterly bound is even stronger now because of it. I doubt we have had our last argument (?) but we know for a fact that noone will ever be able to tear us apart. As sad as some of the things were that we talked about... It felt so good and made me so happy to be able to trade these things with each other. Ella and I have been through too much to let anything ruin the bound that we have. And I am really gonna miss her :( But one day she and I will be done with school and move to our desired states with our other halves and we will be a few hours drive from each other and nothing will stand in our way of achieving our dreams :) No matter what else happens... My life will be perfect because I know that not only will I have my husband and my best friend.... But i will also have my sister no matter what life throws at us! We are strong independent daughters of God and we can do anything!

hello thursday

Its Thursday! I actually slept for seven hours last night! So im feeling pretty good. Today is my sisters birthday! She is turning eighteen today! I cant believe that she is an adult! Pretty soon she will be going off to Flagler. Im so happy for her. I cant wait to visit her in St. Augustine! I have a good day ahead of me and i am SO looking forward to it. I can not wait!!!!!!!

ok so i have given up on the lame xanga blog site. this one seems to be the better choice :) i am happy to say that we are extremely close to the end of all the stress! lol in less than six weeks i will be a Johnston. I am so excited! I will have a wonderful husband Two amazing sister in laws and a few brothers lol. I will also have four nieces! :D Im super excited that my sister in law will be having her baby in june! This will be the first baby born with me in the family! YAY!!! :) Im getting so excited! Nothing can tear me down at this moment!